UNSPOKEN

-NYLAZZIR-

2007 was for me, one literally eventful year as two major contrasting episodes in my life happened simultaneously. A day of bliss – on the day of my college graduation. And a day, that turned into weeks and months of misery in my workplace.

It was June 04 of 2007, my first day of work. I came to the office knowing not what to expect. After a short pleasantries with my would-be colleagues, I settled to one vacant work area quite apart from the department I would soon be joining. Expectantly, I was given some work manuals to read, which was more of a lecture handouts complete with all definition of terms that were greek to me. "What is fire? what are two types of fire? etc. etc. I was then thinking what has that got to do with my job function? Nevertheless, I continue reading trying to kept myself busy. I was there in my own corner from 8:00 am straight until 5:00 pm, with few restroom breaks in between, trying so hard to nibble incomprehensible words while exerting effort keeping my eyes open. Days counted, until after a week, I was given some work to do, a simple underwriting distribution. A certain Miss whom I would soon be replacing give me a brief orientation of what to do. It was quite easy though, but the system being used which was so unfamiliar, made it difficult for me. Being quite impatient as she was, she told me to learn it by myself. That would have been okay, if only I was given proper hands-on orientation and time. But it was never the case, I could only access the system if she had to take an afternoon break.

It was all so new to me, I got so scared and quirky all at the same time. I was waiting for her to teach me something else but it never happened. I even asked her to teach me how to make underwriting approval which I know was the main function of that position I would be taking in. She just said " that would come later, anyway you would not be doing it yet, "you just have to do the distribution" the exact words that she said to me then. I just nodded okay.

By then, I was already aware of the telltales circulating the workplace, the impression she had on me, "mahirap turuan" was the operative phrase. Came the actual challenge when she already vacated the position and I took over. Right away, the senior colleagues divided the work assignment and I was assigned half the locations in Metro Manila. Unexpectedly that very day, came sales people requesting for a quotation. I spent a little longer processing the request as I was till contemplating on what to do. Irately, she started complaining and went rushing to our line director telling this and that. I waited for him (our line director) to approach me to ask me what happened and why, but I waited in vain. Flat out, I was charged guilty. That was pure hell, I felt so pathetically dumb--just like what they thought of me. I felt so alone being ridiculed by the people who should have been there to support me. Since then, I have always felt so alone and unsure of myself, of everything I was doing. While the other new hires in other departments were getting along well with their colleagues, all with the support they could get, I was there in my own corner licking my own wound. I started building my own world, surrounding myself with imaginary walls, allowing no one to come way past them, detaching myself from every one. After a few months of adjustment, everything got steady. Then came the evaluation for my regularization. My immediate boss talked to me telling me his assessment and that of our line director’s. The latter didn’t want me to be regularized. But my immediate boss, having the final say, gave me the benefit of the doubt, the chance to prove others wrong. I cried, I didn’t know if I would be glad with the chance he had given me or give up and just end it there. Maybe that was my pride talking, there were many new hires then and it was only me who was casted out, that was so much for my ego. Our line director, who, for that period of 6 months never had bothered to see how I have worked, hastily came to that decision? Well, I could not blame him, even my immediate colleagues thought so lowly of me. I accidentally heard them say " No comment" with that smug smile on their lips, when asked by my immediate boss what do they suggest about my regularization. They could just have told me what was wrong, that would have been more bearable. That felt like a backhand slap on the face. But I could not do anything. I have to keep that job so badly, not for me – I have already lost myself that moment anyway- but for my family who needed my support.

It happened some five years ago—which was so…yesterday. But the pain is still here, maybe deeply rooted in my heart and mind that whenever I reminisce them, tears just start pouring in until my eyes get swollen, just like tonight.