THANK YOU

                                                                          THANK YOU                                                                          -NYLAZZIR-
　

T

ime and again, in our journey through life

We find ourselves faced with a train of grief

Over which we momentarily loss our grip

On what is dear , on what we truly wish

　

H

ollow parcel of our inner being

Finds that piece to fill-out the longing

Someone who understands, someone who listens

A friends guiding hand that shoves our pain away.

　

A

lbeit, rough-and-tum, this ride may have been

I’d gladly walk through it, coz you’re with me all the way

A few fall-of I won’t mind, and the bruises it may bring

If there would be your hand to pull me up again

　

N

ot, if you’d ask me who you are to me now

You are a friend, a precious one that I found

We may not be as close as everyone else

Your friendship I would cherish as long as I live

　

K

eep all the faith,! a word or two I could give

As you take one new endeavor, that’s totally different

Somebody would be praying, that everything turns out right.

When you feel like the world is as dark as the night.

Y

ou’re one special girl, that you have to realize

A good person, good daughter, a good friend, all combined

And whatever blessings and happiness you are bound

You deserve that and more , whatever life has to hand

　

O

ne of the many wishes I have for you my friend

That you finally find your own prince charming

Who would turn your story into a fairy tale

Someone you’d be with, happily ever after

　

U

ntil we meet again, this I say to you

As you go a hundred miles away from home

Sooner or later our paths will surely cross

For now my dear friend, thank you and au-revoir

SEVENTEEN

SEVENTEEN

--NYLAZZIR--

10-17-2010

　

　

　

　

At seventeen I see wonders of a special feeling

A thing called love for me was strange then

All I knew was the beautiful feeling it brings

That was slowly consuming my whole being

　

At seventeen I was young and in love

If only I was not insecure and confused

Would I have been happy too

Had I made my feelings known to you?

　

If I was seventeen again

Would it make a difference

If I fought for my feelings

Than wallow in my unshed tears?

　

Now, I wish I was seventeen again

Maybe then the chance would be mine

To take my chances with you

And allow my feelings to grow.

LIKE A BROKEN GLASS

LIKE A BROKEN GLASS

-- NYLAZZIR--

11-17-2010

　

　　

Our friendship as anybody else’s

Was as smooth as a crystal glass

That when I look through it

I see the unmarred image of myself

　

It fits perfectly in my hands

Holding it seems a natural thing

Drawn by the beauty it showed

I forgot to con the quality it was made of

　

So when it dropped, once, twice and a few more drop

I tried to put the shattered pieces into one

Created an illusion of a perfect new glass

Unmindful of the sharp fragments, painful in my hands

　

An earnest attempt to fix it was futile

‘Coz I no longer see the beauty it once had

But the trace of stick on that holds it’s pieces

And the ugly scar it’s fragment left

　

Now I have simple choices to make

Keep it and prepare to be hurt on the next drop

Or toss it and forever miss it’s memento

Whatever is my resolve, hope it’s for the best.

DESPERATELY WAITING

                           DESPERATELY WAITING
                            ---nylazzir---

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone special to walk my way

Who shelters me from this heavy rain

Where the cold soaked up my whole being

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone to come over and just say hey!

Who closes his arms around me

When something frightening pops in

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone who tells me I’m special in a way

Who gently hold my hand and whisper

Girl, you really make my day

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone to conceal my worst dismay

Who hopes everything turns out right

When my whole world is as dark as the night

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone who caress my tearstained face

Who watches my tears stream down my cheeks

And wipe them before they hit the impure ground

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone who convince me that life’s not a game

Who reminds me the wonders of that emotion

Who’s measured rhythmic heartbeat matches my own

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone who rocks my world and steal my sleep

Whose love’s like a venom, how it fills up my veins

And tells me I’m the center of the web he weaves

Desperately waiting for something today

A knight who saves me like a damsel in distress

Just like I’m living a life of fairy tale

Whereupon, everyone makes a happy ending

Desperately waiting for something today

Someone who looks deep into my eyes

Who gently whisper to my ear

The magic words I’ve waited long to hear

Desperately waiting for something today

A person to give, a reason to live

So I sit here, patiently waiting

Waiting for that someone, my Mr. Right.

　

SAME SHIT DIFFIRENT DAY!

SAME SHIT DIFFIRENT DAY!

---NYLAZZIR---

　

What could have gone wrong?

Why in the world I am deeply hurt

Just yesterday, life’s a bliss

But now everything just turn out a mess

　

My heart is torn and sedately ripped out

And all I wanna do is shout

Why me, It couldn’t possible be?

But you never hear my plea

　

Alone, I start to think profoundly

Think ‘bout life, what it has brought me

I don’t understand why I care deeply

But they would just go, turn their back on me

　

Yes, they leave like you just did now

And dump me like some kinda freak show

You are all the same in a way

Same shit different day.

　

LOSING HOPE

LOSING HOPE

---NYLAZZIR---

　

　

　

Shadows in my mind are all entwined

Thought of hope to get it through

Thought of fear to lost it all

Inner tumult whispering in my mind

　

I can hear voices keep on nagging me

What if your best you bet is not enough?

What if now you lost and flunk?

So many what ifs, I couldn’t seem to think

　

I have gone far enough this time

I have given it all I have to survive

Thinking one way or another I would make it

Despite of everything getting complicated

　

It’s just not so easy to accept the fact

The fact of failure in this point of my life

Refusing to admit that I could ever fall

From the upward climb, I’m learning to mount

　

I wanted to wish that everything turns out right

I wanted to convince myself there’s yet a chance

I wanted to try and break free from defeat

But now all I do is cry, coz I got no control over it.

TIRED OF

TIRED OF

---nylazzir---

　　

　　

I’m tired of acting someone I am not

I’m tired of keeping it all in my heart

But when I try to break free from this stuff

I run scared and resort to my mask

　

I’m tired of appearing unfeeling and strong

I’m tired of pretending unhurt, unscathed

And when pain hit a nerve in my heart

I always fight back the tears in my eyes

　

I’m tired of watching myself suffer

I’m tired of hiding a trace of fear

But as the fright get on my nerves

I take the shiver with a shrug of a shoulder

　

I’m sick and tired of playing a dummy

A dummy of my own, conceal my own identity

I’m sick and tired of not being me

‘Coz I missed my old self so terribly.

I THOUGHT I GOT

I THOUGHT I GOT

---nylazzir---

　

　　

Years of search for the things that I own

Things I live for, things I crave most

Wishful thoughts my heart learns to clamor

Indulging, tempting, fancy things that allure

　

I’ve given all my love, hoping someone gives it back

A love that is real for me is enough

But it’s all skin deep, it feels like a crap

A love that is dead is all that I got

　

In my every combat, I give my best shot

Wishing I could win in this deal of life

Traded hopes and dreams with just one card

T’s all consummated, yet still lost the fight

　

Where are the things I thought I got

In this tricky game called life

It’s all superficial, deceitfully essential

I have nothing at all, I never ever had.

ACE UP HIS SLEEVE

ACE UP HIS SLEEVE

--nylazzir--

　

　

Playing to win, in this game called life

With one lucky card from a deck of cards

Either you take time for your next move

Or lay all your cards for a sure win or lose.

　

Take it one at a time, one voice tells you

Get it done and over with, another voice echoes

A little fidgety, you fail to reckon

The deal you play for, is not yours but fate’s call

At first, you win; you draw what is worth

So you played the next game, never know what’s at stake

And then, you lost, losing all that you’ve got

Alas! Now, you have it all figured out

Fate calls the deal, you’re but a mere player

You can’t really win, breaking even is your best try

And as it’s known to cheat once in a while

Playing with an ace up his sleeve is his trademark style.

NOT REALLY

NOT REALLY

-NYLAZZIR-

　
　

You believe, but not really

Like the pagans

Trust no god

　

You see, but not really

Like a blind man looks at a specter

Vanishing in the thin air

　

You hear, but not really

Like a deaf listens to a whimper

Resounding from the distance

　

You feel, but not really

Like a dead touches the cold wind

Blowing in the morning breeze

You dream, but not really

Like a fat little duckling dreams

Soaring above the sky

　

You laugh, but not really

Like a mother chuckles

In her child’s funeral

You fight, but not really

Like a soldier

Fighting a lost battle

You dance, but not really

Like a cripple moving in synch

To the upbeat music

My first composition..that started it all.

My first ever composition, I was in grade 2 when our teacher asked us to create a short poem .

This was what I created, and it became my contest piece in an inter-school competition, along with the two other creations of mine.

ANG AKING LARUAN

Ang aking laruan

Manikang basahan

Ito’y gawa lamang

Ng mahal kong nanay

Kahit sa pagtulog

Ginagawa kong unan

Sa aking paggising

Aking lalaruan

　

ANG AMING NANAY AT TATAY

Ang aming nanay at tatay

Mahal naming tunay

Kapakanan naming mga anak

Palaging iniaalay

Kahit napapagod

Trabaho ang harap

Upang ang pamilya’y

Maiangat sa hirap

　

　

ANG AMING PAARALAN

Ang aming paaralan

Lagonoy Sentral ang pangalan

Malinis na silid-aralan

May bulaklak at halaman

Sa likuran at harapan

Punungkahoy na nagtataasan

Mga gurong masisipag

At batang magagalang

THE STORY OF A GIRL

THE STORY OF A GIRL

---nylazzir---

　

　

I was remembering a girl

A girl so skinny, her body so fragile

Her dreary eyes and lips so pale

And bruised heart, inflicted with pain

Oh why is life so unfair to her

Often disregarded, while others preferred

Deprived of a chance to prove a worth of her

They caused her pain but they don’t even care

Often askance and confused with the things around

She would ask herself "what on earth I am bound?"

When everything she see is an uncaring crowd

Puzzling scheme in her mind’s like a cloud

In her grade school, she would try all her best

But why they don’t see it and think it a mess

She can do something, come out from her nest

She swears she would do it, finally take a risk

And now she’s a year older and older

She found the answer of her life’s puzzle

It takes a pretty face to let others care

A good heart? Just a cover up, they say

Now she leaves a chapter of her childhood

And welcomes one new endeavor

Through God’s instruments she rebuilds her own

Makes a new start and leaves the past adjourn

Life is not permanent said an old cliché

So she has to hatch, come out from a shell

And now grew up a determined teenager

Self-sufficient, free from hatred and gnawing pain

New acquaintances, different environment

Yet same ground to train and live

There’s criticism and tricky charade

But she knows now how to handle

Alas! Her lips so pale now smile

Her dreary eyes, misty but glow

Her bruised heart, scarred but healed

And yet unsure of what comes next

This is the story of the little girl

The girl who expresses her own wits and speaks her heart out

The girl who happens to be the one writing now

I know because that girl was me.

The Other Side of Life

THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE

By: NYLAZZIR

" Men are born equal" a-centuries-old cliché excerpt from the sad layered stories of life which over decades I was made to believe in. It was instilled in my young mind that everyone’s born naked, every child lays on the same hard deck, lives in the same sullen nipa house, wears the same worn out clothes, and plays with the same hand-me-down toys -- I used to have as a child. I have been stereotypically living my life I didn’t realize I was never introduced to the other side of life. A life outside mine.

Smudged pictures of my childhood always bring tears in my eyes whenever I reminisce them. Biggest picture of it is "Becky" she was the greatest friend I’ve ever had. She was there whenever I feel lonely. Whenever my mother would go somewhere for a living and I’m left alone with my aged lolo and lola at home, she was there to accompany me; whenever I felt like crying, when I feel unloved she was there to cheer me up. But she too left me, I felt betrayed I feel like cursing life for being so unfair to me. She was gone and it pains me to think I would never get to see her again. And it’s all because of that catastrophe that had elapsed our little town, a super typhoon that had caused immense destruction on our lives. It had gotten the only belonging we had that left us with nothing to start with, left me with nothing - but pain of loss.

( Becky, by the way was the only doll I had, it was a rag doll, handmade by my mother for me.)

It was fate’s first blow of cruelty and I then promised I would not let fate take control of my life, never again. Uh-oh, one of that old antics again, do I seriously think a child like me could twist fate? neither do I possess extraordinary powers to prevent it? Oh maybe, just maybe, when I grow up I could make a difference.

Not what I thought though;

Six long years I spent in my elementary grade was definitely not a piece of cake as life never failed to make my life miserable, giving me a fair share of hell.

Imagine how my heart would twist with pain and humiliation from the world’s prejudice. The ordeal of having to bear walking some distance from my home to school, four times in a day. Luckily though, I had a pair of rubber slippers that merely covered my stressed feet from the prickling heat of the rough road. The strain of thinking what to wear for school when one of my two pairs of school uniform, was not dried up. How I tried to hide myself behind our school desk when my classmates would tease me whenever I sell "bibingka" at school. The melancholy of having to eat alone in the corner since no one would want to share my "baon"- I didn’t care much though, I love "sardines with egg" anyway. How class recitation became an appalling school activity for me knowing that when I am called to recite, my classmates would look at me and they would only see the soiled clothes I wore, not even hearing what I got to say.

Another chapter opens to the course parallel to one that ends on my elementary graduation. A new chapter that is a totally different one. I had to live far from my family and live with all other kids that were stranger to me.

It was a wailing sound of a train one morning that signalled the new life I was about to explore. True enough, it was a totally different one. Something undefinable crossed my mind at the sound of that train, waking me from a seemingly deep sleep. A white room adorned with a crucifix on the center came into the picture as I opened my eyes. Uncertain, I look around, finding faces of some strangers, but what shock the hell out of me was the look they all had that mirrored my own, a look of bewilderment.Out of nowhere, a bell rang and we were asked to get down the deck, kneel down the dining hall then pray that "so familiar morning prayer". A short moment after, we we’re ushered to the long dining table, that looked like the one in the last supper. Served with a piece of bread and a glass of milk-- that started the roller coaster ride of my life in what seemed to be an artificial world.

Along with the other girls, I was given the basic needs, from the personal things down to the school necessities. And they all bore that number code that had become my identification till the end of the 4 years.

The first nights were the most difficult moments for me. I wanted to shout from extreme loneliness, of feeling all alone. Not long after, I got to know my roommates and some classmates and formed a bond with them, a bond that was more than a friendship but more of a sisterhood. That gave me a taste of heaven, for it was only then, that I experienced total parity, why else not, if we looked and wore the same. But some goods things are not really meant to last.
"Four years" was over, I need to go out to the real world again. I had no choice but to leave my comfort zone and start living – I mean really live my life all over again.

After my graduation from high school, I got no plans then, entering college was never my priority, not because I didn’t like to but because I knew that we didn’t have resources. But when my elder sister learned that our school was offering college scholarship, she literally pushed me into giving a try. How many exchanges of words did we have before she finally convinced me to take the exam. At first I hated the idea because for me that was just wasting both our time and effort. There will be more than a hundred students who would be taking the exam and there were only few slots to be filled in and getting a chance was a remote possibility. Another of my pessimism! But she was the first one to believe I could make it when I forgot to do it for myself. I felt elated when I got the 6th slot and I was thankful I listened to her, had I not, I would not know what would have happened to me.

So here I was, like a child lost in the huge world, tried to live the fast-paced life in Manila. I had nothing but my high school diploma, certification letter for my scholarship grant, and some amount of money my family could afford for my allowance.

A small bare room near my school had become my shield along with the other scholarship grantees. A rectangular space with linoleum as the flooring and wooden walls that barely protected as from the chaotic neighborhood. But this didn’t hinder me to continue what I started; I’ve survived hell, why not limbo.

Having the opportunity to study in a quite well-known private school was mutually propitious and formidable for my kind. I could not name my feeling on my first day at the university. I felt like a fish taken out of the water. That is definitely not my world, but I had no choice but to try to fit in.

Do you know how it felt to be scrutinized by the university security guards when entering the school premises not in uniform? How about to try to reason to your strict professor, why you don’t have the textbook needed for the day’s activity and tried bargaining with him that the photocopy will do. And when you go home after the stressful day at school, you console yourself with a piece of banana cue and ice water a few coins from the last penny in your pocket can afford. These were just some of the questions I learned to answer on my own.
And there were some instances which you found humor in, some moments that gives you a good laugh whenever you reminisce them. Like trying to convince your peers that you’re full when the group has decided to eat out, but when you almost persuaded them, came the grumbling sound of your stomach.

But all these toils paid off. "There’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow", so they say. After 4 strenuous years, I received the best gift ever, my college diploma! Alas! I could not help exclaiming with joy. Celebration, was short lived though, just like everything else. I was faced with bigger responsibility, the challenge of the corporate world I was about to permeate. Still, many foes, just more decent and dressed in over-alls.

Days gone by, I was living my life in a constant haste. I had always been acting in a way I am expected to. Then I realized I had been a trying hard adult all along. Worst, it had been too late to realize I denied myself the chance of a happy childhood, not because of circumstances but because of my own preference.

So you see, nobody is responsible for my unhappy experience, I chose to live with it. Maybe because I was always on guard I never tried to loosen up a bit. I always tried to lay all my cards to outwit fate, never did I realize, fate had been playing with the ace up his sleeve, his trademark style I never learnt to associate with.