perfectly choreographed life

I was a random girl from a rural town in the heart of Bicol Region and my life was nothing like you hadn’t seen from a typical poor Filipino family, though I never would have chosen this kind of life, I knew
Thanks to the regions’ vast amount of rich flat land - owned by lucky few, my father got to toil plowing their lands in exchange of some amount hardly enough to put food on our table. With my father’s meager income, matched up to  four kids that needs to feed and send to school, my mother did a good job making ends meet. She, being the ever determined that she was, did every possible way to help cover the growing expenses. She would make native delicacies which me and my elder sister would sell at school during weekdays and around the town on weekends. Both my parents were not given the chance to finish schooling, my father barely reached grade three while my mother was lucky enough to finish grade six, and if there’s one thing I knew they would not compromise, it’s our right for education. But life sometimes has a habit of pushing us to the limit. I was on my last year in elementary, anxiously waiting to enter high school, when our family reached rock bottom. Our debts accumulated as my father ‘s menial job calls became less frequent. High school was still possible for me I knew, but it would mean more over work and more sleepless nights for my parents. Simply put, that would mean two promissory notes during exam days, one for me and one for my elder sister who was at that time in third year going to senior year.
Concurrently, the "heavens" was good enough to send the angels in the form of the Sisters of Mary, to rescue me. They offer free education to the underprivileged kids, and I was rather lucky to be one of the chosen kids. I remember, there was a school affair when one Sister and her group came without prelude, so basically, no regular classes and most students were not in their respective classrooms. I was then walking round the campus, watching school event when one of my classmates approached me, and told me our teacher called for me. There, some grade six students, not even half the class, were taking the exam. She got one test paper, and asked me to take it. Luckily, I passed the exam, for that I thank my teacher for the chance I almost missed. Or maybe that was already defined by God. It was a blessing and who would have refused something this good, whatever comes with it. I was borne and baptized an Aglipayan, and for me to be accepted, I had to be converted to a catholic faith. So there, at 12, I was given the sacrament of Baptism, all with the help of my teachers who were also active in our parish then.
From a random country girl, my life was about to change when I entered the Sisters of Mary School, Girlstown, Sta Mesa Campus. Just like in boot camp, they stripped me off my worldly spirit and rebuilt it according to God’s righteous way. I was given the basic needs, from head to toe. With the intellectually competitive teachers carefully picked form the rest, I was given the best education anyone could have. The mother sisters who loved me like their own, guiding in ways a real child of God should be. A "second family" who loved me unconditionally, who shared my pains and my joys. Our spiritual friends, giving me spiritual nourishment in every homilies during mass. More importantly, for having had the chance to know an extraordinary man, the champion of the poor, my spiritual father, Msgr. Aloysious Scwartz. And His devotion to Mama Mary, which he passed on to us, his children . It was indeed a little paradise for me. A home I belonged to and I never entertained the idea of soon leaving this comfort zone. If it was because of separation anxiety or an escape from the uncertainty of life outside, I was not sure. But I knew that was not what Fr. Al wanted when he said "My children you are created not to be fat little ducks waddling in the mud but eagles destined to rise above and explore the kingdom of God." I knew, he wanted me to come out to the world and be a living testament of God’s love, in my own little ways. I had planned of working after high school graduation to help support the family I temporarily left, though my desire for college education was still there, laid dormant in the deepest recesses of my heart. But God has a different plan for me, His plan which was far way better than mine. Another God’s instrument was sent for me. A college scholarship was offered to us. I admit I was so preoccupied with unimportant things that I never had taken notice of the path readily set for me. I never would have taken the exam for the scholarship grant if not for my sister who literally pushed me into giving a try. There was a slim chance for me to make it, I thought to myself. There were hundreds who would be taking the exam and there were only a flew slots to be filled in. Obviously, I forgot to consider, God is working in manners we may never know. I got the 6^th slot, thanks to the people around me who gave me the push I needed. "I’m ready to cross the Rubicon!" sounding like Julius Caesar wannabe, I was feeling energetic. Armored with the lessons I gained for four years, I was ready to conquer the world. Which battlefield? - the outside world. Along with the other scholarship grantees, I practically lived the fast-paced life in Manila. A rectangular space with linoleum as the flooring and wooden walls that barely protected us from the chaotic neighborhood , had been our haven. From a shabby electric fan giving that "it-might-overheat-any-minute feeling", an ice water and banana cue to quench the hunger, not even a single book required for the course, rather settled to a piece-by-piece  photo copy, wash-and-wear pair of school uniform and a hand-me-down shoes bigger than my size. It was real hard. From a small allowance, how could we possibly get by? But I never drew back, though there were several times when I was about to. But every time I was losing heart, something would enkindle my spirit. Now I realized, for that four bitter-sweet years in college, never a time did God neglect me. I know Fr. Al has been watching me from above like a true father to his child. The people who were kind enough to alleviate my suffering testified that he was with me every step of the way. I may have fallen and offended him a countless times as the world swallowed me up. But he always had put me back on track urging me to re-learn the path to righteousness. I am now working in one reputable company in Makati. I don’t have much, but I have enough to support myself and my family. Looking back, it all dawned on me, without everything that I've gone through, my life would be more like a smoothly-paved, straight flat road to nowhere. I may have not chosen this kind of life, but this is what God has choreographed for me. And if I am to live my life all over again, this is the kind of life I would live, still.

Wish upon a star..

"When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you"

This is arguably one fancy sentiment over which we all accepted to be true no matter how unfathomable it’s denouement in our life may seem. When I was a child, I would love to gaze up the starlit sky, counting stars which seemed to have been following me anywhere I go. Enticed by a handful of little shining stars, I would close my eyes then whisper a mouthful of secret wishes. One blink, and I lost count as the stars doubled in number, shining their brightest. Everything was perfect.. but my wishes were unheard. Maybe they are too far and it would take some time for my wishes to reach them..I would then mumble. If now I wish upon the nearest star, would it f’nally be heard? As if on cue, the sun beaming on me, shone so brightly today. Ah! I can hardly wait…

Fr. AL, My Champion, My Hero.

                                                              Fr. AL, My Champion, My Hero.

"Msgr. Aloysius Schwartz was born on September 18, 1930, in Washington, DC, USA. He grew up with the idea of becoming a secular priest. He heard his calling to serve the Lord at a very young age and at 13, he entered the seminary. In 1944, at age 14, he entered St. Charles Seminary in Maryland, finished his B.A. Degree at Maryknoll College and studied his Theology at Louvain Catholic University in Belgium. He used to spend his vacation helping at the rag pickers’ camps for the derelicts of the French society. Visiting Banneux, where the Virgin of the Poor appeared, he was more inspired to dedicate his priesthood to the service of the poor in fulfillment of her message.
In 1957, he started his charity programs for the poor orphans in Korea. In 1983, due to great success, he extended his programs to the Philippines and in 1990 to Mexico. This would not have been possible without the congregation of the Sisters of Mary (also founded by him in 1964).In 1983 Schwartz was awarded the Ramon Magsaysay Award. In 1985, he started his charity programs in the Philippines. In 1989, he was diagnosed to have a terminal illness - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), which he accepted with joy and serenity as a gift from God. In spite of his deteriorating health, he established Boystown and Girlstown in Mexico. With humility, courage, and unwavering faith, he suffered and accepted a lot of humiliations, criticisms, trials, pains, and difficulties, just to be able to serve and love God through the poor. His illness made him immobile but still even on a wheelchair, he continued to fulfill his duties with joy. He spent hours before the Blessed Sacrament, praying the rosary, hearing confessions, and heroically preaching in words and examples the virtues of truth, justice, chastity, charity and humility. His love for God and the poor consumed him. He did not only help the poor but he also lived poorly.

On March 16, 1992, he breathed his last at the Girlstown in Manila and he was buried at the Boystown in Cavite, Philippines.

His name, many people may not know of, but this name, short and simple may it be, has made strong impact in my life. I was one of the underprivileged children, from the poorest of the poor, whom Fr. AL lovingly embraced and took care of through the Sisters of Mary Girlstown- Philippines. From a blurry future that I then have, He pushed me into the right direction, not only socially but most especially spiritually. I may not have had the chance to know him personally, but his words, have touched my being down to it’s realm. And as He wanted me to soar the heavens as He have always said "My children you are created not to be fat little ducks waddling in the mud but eagles destined to rise above and explore the kingdom of God." I would do at the best of my ability.

..that's when God Comes in.

Nobody ever have said that you have to be strong every minute of everyday...especially when stresses and strains start weighing on you. You're not supposed to...that's when God comes in.

MATH...FRIENDS

Contrary to popular belief that nothing in this world is constant, I have had the chance of  knowing something constant back in college. MATH and these people I called FRIENDS.

hold loose

As you walk through life, you gain friends and lose some, but don't hold on too much to those who you lost along the way, those who chose to leave your side. There must be a reason why they never made it to your future.  That passage somehow answered some of the many unbridled questions bombarding me. And for now, that would be enough.

Burning bridges..

Here I am trying so damn hard to abridge the gap between us, and there you are carelessly burning every single bridges that come the way. So when the time comes that I hold loose, that only means that I've accepted the fact that there are broken relationships irreparable as broken glasses, and that,  I'm finally letting go.  Until then...

..krjhru gjglrjtkreirh4

I wanted to write down what is on my mind this moment but I could not seem to find the right words. My mind is in chaos I couldn’t actually scribble the right adjectives to describe it. Weird!

Downward Spiral

Has life ever knocked you down? Like when the world seemed to have stop revolving and suddenly fell on you-head on? As cliché as it may sound but it does happen. It was during those times when fate chose to play his practical joke on you and you can do nothing but wait till he gets satisfied and utter his favorite spiel "game over". At wit’s end, you find yourself falling into downward spiral, giving you no time to flinch. For a time you’re caught between staying on the pit life has brought you into and crawling yourself up to try to find the remnants of your life’s wreck.

My favorite Saint ..on her feast day.

St. Thesese of Lisieux, St. Therese of the Child Jesus, The Holy Face, The Little Flower.
The depth of her spirituality, of which she said, "my way is all confidence and love," has inspired many believers. In the face of her littleness and nothingness, she trusted in God to be her sanctity. She wanted to go to heaven by an entirely new little way. "I wanted to find an elevator that would raise me to Jesus." The elevator, she wrote, would be the arms of Jesus lifting her in all her littleness. Thérèse herself said on her death-bed, "I only love simplicity. I have a horror of pretence", and she spoke out against some of the lives of saints written in her day, "We should not say improbable things, or things we do not know. We must see their real, and not their imagined lives." (Wikipedia,)                   

WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE

WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE

9-28-2012

-nylazzir-

Going home after that not-so-good Friday afternoon, despite of the heavy heart, I was able to think over what happened earlier. Admittedly, I was at fault. No amount of hurtful words could excuse me for acting disrespectfully towards anyone older than I am. And for that I am sorry. It didn’t help that I was having a bad day. At night, the rerun of thoughts I’ve been trying to run away from, giving me a sleepless night. I got up, reached my phone and sent her a message asking for an apology for my outburst earlier that day. I just don’t want additional complications on my already complicated life. I just hope that with that apology everything was all water under the bridge now.

BOTTLENECK

BOTTLENECK

-nylazzir-

9/28/2012

Just for a span of 5 days I’ve heard the most unwelcoming words from the people around me, and you especially. I tried not to think so much about how it affected me, but today, it just reached bottleneck. I lost control as  I reached my boiling point. I never expected any kind words from you neither do I expect harsh words. Well, for several instances that you acted that way towards me, I should have been used to it. However, it still came a time when it hit a nerve, causing all other well-kept-issues from the past to resurface. And this was the last straw. I wasn’t able to hold fast my hurt. I know it would spring out a lot of complications between us, between me and some people I called friends who never bothered asking my side of the story. I may be crying now, but I know the day would come when I would stop feeling.

UNSPOKEN

-NYLAZZIR-

2007 was for me, one literally eventful year as two major contrasting episodes in my life happened simultaneously. A day of bliss – on the day of my college graduation. And a day, that turned into weeks and months of misery in my workplace.

It was June 04 of 2007, my first day of work. I came to the office knowing not what to expect. After a short pleasantries with my would-be colleagues, I settled to one vacant work area quite apart from the department I would soon be joining. Expectantly, I was given some work manuals to read, which was more of a lecture handouts complete with all definition of terms that were greek to me. "What is fire? what are two types of fire? etc. etc. I was then thinking what has that got to do with my job function? Nevertheless, I continue reading trying to kept myself busy. I was there in my own corner from 8:00 am straight until 5:00 pm, with few restroom breaks in between, trying so hard to nibble incomprehensible words while exerting effort keeping my eyes open. Days counted, until after a week, I was given some work to do, a simple underwriting distribution. A certain Miss whom I would soon be replacing give me a brief orientation of what to do. It was quite easy though, but the system being used which was so unfamiliar, made it difficult for me. Being quite impatient as she was, she told me to learn it by myself. That would have been okay, if only I was given proper hands-on orientation and time. But it was never the case, I could only access the system if she had to take an afternoon break.

It was all so new to me, I got so scared and quirky all at the same time. I was waiting for her to teach me something else but it never happened. I even asked her to teach me how to make underwriting approval which I know was the main function of that position I would be taking in. She just said " that would come later, anyway you would not be doing it yet, "you just have to do the distribution" the exact words that she said to me then. I just nodded okay.

By then, I was already aware of the telltales circulating the workplace, the impression she had on me, "mahirap turuan" was the operative phrase. Came the actual challenge when she already vacated the position and I took over. Right away, the senior colleagues divided the work assignment and I was assigned half the locations in Metro Manila. Unexpectedly that very day, came sales people requesting for a quotation. I spent a little longer processing the request as I was till contemplating on what to do. Irately, she started complaining and went rushing to our line director telling this and that. I waited for him (our line director) to approach me to ask me what happened and why, but I waited in vain. Flat out, I was charged guilty. That was pure hell, I felt so pathetically dumb--just like what they thought of me. I felt so alone being ridiculed by the people who should have been there to support me. Since then, I have always felt so alone and unsure of myself, of everything I was doing. While the other new hires in other departments were getting along well with their colleagues, all with the support they could get, I was there in my own corner licking my own wound. I started building my own world, surrounding myself with imaginary walls, allowing no one to come way past them, detaching myself from every one. After a few months of adjustment, everything got steady. Then came the evaluation for my regularization. My immediate boss talked to me telling me his assessment and that of our line director’s. The latter didn’t want me to be regularized. But my immediate boss, having the final say, gave me the benefit of the doubt, the chance to prove others wrong. I cried, I didn’t know if I would be glad with the chance he had given me or give up and just end it there. Maybe that was my pride talking, there were many new hires then and it was only me who was casted out, that was so much for my ego. Our line director, who, for that period of 6 months never had bothered to see how I have worked, hastily came to that decision? Well, I could not blame him, even my immediate colleagues thought so lowly of me. I accidentally heard them say " No comment" with that smug smile on their lips, when asked by my immediate boss what do they suggest about my regularization. They could just have told me what was wrong, that would have been more bearable. That felt like a backhand slap on the face. But I could not do anything. I have to keep that job so badly, not for me – I have already lost myself that moment anyway- but for my family who needed my support.

It happened some five years ago—which was so…yesterday. But the pain is still here, maybe deeply rooted in my heart and mind that whenever I reminisce them, tears just start pouring in until my eyes get swollen, just like tonight.